what have I become?

My sweetest friend, to say the least -- to steal a verse, to be becoming something else. I've been reading Hegel lately. At times, I totally understand where he's coming from. I understand that he wants to totalize the system of philosophy, that he thinks everything which has come before is a product of the system of philosophy. I understand that he wants to dialectically deconstruct reality to explain it, thereby concreating evidence that reality is indeed real, and that we as conscious beings have the knowledge base to define the perplexities of said reality. However, what I don't understand is how, through cyclical observation, one can define anything outside of definition. I believe Derrida described it best (and a few other metaphysical instructors have too) that anything outside of the infinite can be labeled JUSTICE, and we are not able to define it. We can only appreciate it for its omnipotence, its ever present essence, it's closure around the system in which we prescribe to, and its imminence. It is the now that we can not grasp. Thought itself is a past tense activity. Reaching for a ghost can only occur if you see the ghost, which is a product of thought, and therefore a product of experience that's trained us to reach out. Hegel makes me upset when I think about his teleological viewpoints. I guess, Marx does the same thing to me.

I want to yell into someone's chest. 6 inches away from my mouth. I need a body to absorb my screams right now.

My dreams have been fucked up lately. Last night, I was raped by two of Mindy's friends. Later in the dream, she told me the raping was a validated act which I deserved.