"There is nothing you can do or say that will change the way I feel as there is nothing I can say or do to change the way you feel." These words echo through the chasms of my soul. They haunt my dreams, causing me to suffer every day and night. Not even my naps are safe from her tongue which cuts through me like the knife she carries with her. Only, my soul is not an empty cavern of long lost thoughts and wishful thinking. Tears mixed with warm memories pool together and pour out of me and into a sea of unfamiliar faces. I do not hide my face when I cry. In public, I allow those who dare to stare into the the eyes of this hurting man the opportunity to cherish their own happiness. That is my gift to the unknown soldiers with whom I share this battle ground. That is their reward for being brave enough to share a moment of pain with me.
She said she has looked into the eyes of my kind before. She thinks I am the same as the others. She believes in the cycle of her own fears and doubts. But she is wrong. As I was wrong to believe in my fears on that dreadful night, she is wrong to believe she can no longer trust me. This is not self pity, this is self empowerment. It is not de-powering to examine your naked fears, to share in the nudity of the self. Love is a space where you can define your fears to another, where you can grow from the pain of understanding your self, your weaknesses, your history, and your fuck ups. Love is a space where you and your partner can work together to mollify your differences, where you can smooth out the blemished psyche, together as a unity. Love is more complicated than a stupid fearful drunken letter and its repercussion. Love is more complicated than battling your own doubts. Love is not giving up on happiness. Love is not giving up at all.
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