Overwhelming sadness.

The sun is shining brightly today. The clouds are big puff balls of cotton. The wind is gentle and the temperature is toothsome. If I were any other man, I'd say it's a perfect day. But alas, I get to be myself today, which means I won't be enjoying nature's delicious adjectives. I awoke this morning, saddened by my loss. It seems that's how the day shall shape itself. Sadness looms over my head, a foreboding cloud of despair. I'm not trying to be poetic, nor am I trying to feel sorry for myself. These words aren't being written so that I can understand and express myself. No, I'm writing this text to waste time and to kill this disturbingly contrasting day in which I have to exist within.

I tried watching a movie the other night. The film was about a family who's father was an alcoholic tuff guy. One of the sons was joining a gang, the other son was sent to social welfare, and the daughter wanted to be a writer. The family was poor and had no way of keeping itself together. Eventually, the writer-daughter killed herself after being raped by the father's best friend. The father beats the shit out of the mother, the gang-son gets initiated into his gang, and the social welfare kid becomes "a man" by leaving home. It was a terrible movie to be watching at three in the morning by myself.

Yesterday I took a trip to the Golden Gate Bridge to walk across it. It was a simple distraction at best. The weather has been wonderful here in the city, especially on top of a couple hundred foot tall bridge where you can see a panoramic shot of the city. But no matter how distracted I try to make myself, something always pulls me back into my depression. From the middle of the bridge you can see the cliffs where Mindy and I were married. I think about the wedding a lot. It's strange to think that we made promises to try to work through the hard times, to embrace each other with our love when our fears get in the way of life. I just wish we weren't walking away from this like it never happened. I feel like we can work through this, but Mindy seems to have already committed to it being over. Well, I guess it's sort of ironic. The one commitment she's not afraid of is the one which tears us apart. I'm not mad. I'm just overwhelmed with sadness. I love her so much. I guess love isn't enough these days.

p.s. - I need to find my sense of humor in all this. I'm turning into a very sad person.