Emily,

Those words I wrote you. I'm sorry, but they were not true. They were the culmination of my fears for my marriage with Mindy. Yet I still wrote them to you.We had such a terrible night that night. I thought she literally hated me. She left the house late that night to go to a hotel to hang out with an old guy friend of hers. I got drunk, jealous, bitter and mad, then wrote to you. Then I left the house. I did not tell her where I went. When I came back, I spilled my heart to her as much as I spilled my guts to the toilet. Mindy found that letter a few days later on my computer. She can not trust me. I understand. I made a mistake. I damned our marriage. I lied. We are broken up. I am moving out of the apartment and into my friend's parent's house. In a few months, if I have enough money, I will move back to Los Angeles. I have no friends here in San Francisco. Nothing to support me in this very dark time. I'm destitute. Emily, you have become a figment of my imagination. Someone I loved a long time ago. I used you as an outlet for my darkest fears. I'm sorry for that. I don't know why I didn't tell you sooner about Mindy and I. I was concerned about your feelings, I was concerned about Mindy's heart. I'm not used to discussing new loves with old lovers. It's really hard for me. I think you're a wonderful person Emily, an amazing artist, and have a beautiful soul. I hope you are happy and in love with someone. You deserve at least that. I'm trying to be friends with Mindy right now, I'm trying to make sure she knows that those were fears in that letter and were not true. But there's nothing I can do or say to strike them from her heart. As she is afraid of being happy and committed to me, I was afraid of my own feelings for her. I'm such a bastard. I fucked up Emily. I've made too many mistakes in too little a time. But I did marry out of love. Our marriage will never be one of those mistakes. I loved her so much. She's not a coward Emily. She's so strong. I'm so jealous of her ability to deal with this. To be decisive. She is so wonderful. I'm ashamed. I am a shame.

Thank you for everything Emily. I'm sorry it came to this.
-c

----2nd email to emily robinson.