A few days later

The last three days have been bi-polar for me; I'm up for a few hours, then I fall hard on my face. But that's to be expected. The pain in my head is the consequence of the neurological process of breaking up. The cells in my brain are dying, which isn't anything new or different than what they do on a daily basis, but with heart break, it's like sending your cells in full reverse when they're charging foreword at a million computations a second. The pathways are re-routing, computing alternative processes that will help for the survival of myself. The brain is the most narcissistic of them all.

I woke up with Mindy this morning, shaking and doubtful. The mornings are conceptually difficult for me, but physically refreshing because the burning in my head goes away with sleep. That's not to say that it doesn't come back in the morning. We slept arm in arm but awoke on our separate sides of the bed. Sometimes I wish I weren’t such a restless sleeper. It'd be nice to wake up in the same position I go to sleep, especially when I’m holding the one I love. Before Mindy left, I had to press my lips to hers. It was the only cure for my shakes. We kissed as I pondered my own feelings and passions. Was this a goodbye kiss? Was it THE goodbye kiss? Was it a sympathy kiss? I had to feel her lips to mine. I won't be going home tonight. I will be sleeping at Mike's parents house for a while. I don't know the next time I'll be at that house. Mindy will have her space and I will have to find myself in this city of heartbreak.

San Francisco has been a difficult city for me. 5 years ago, my girlfriend Karen broke my heart here in this city. Not intentionally though. She was in love with two people, and I couldn't cope. It took a few months to recover, but I did. Now, Mindy and I are separating, and my heart has never been so smashed. I can't blame Mindy for this. Not anymore than she can blame me. I've listened to her words, even though she doesn't think I have. I've been just trying to deal with my emotions. It's hard to articulate logic when emotions run high. I hope she understands that.

After Mindy left, I went to Quicksilver's place and passed out on his table. He was sweet to me and let me sleep there. When I awoke, we went to get breakfast. It's still hard for me to force myself to eat. However my legs feel weak from the lack of nutrition so I had to stuff something in my mouth. The creape tasted dry and swollen in my throat. He dropped me off downtown where I tried selling some art for a while. I got kicked out of Union Square but I didn't let that get me down. I tried selling again but no one bought any works. I did get a page drawn in my sketchbook though. The line quality was shaky.

Work wasn't far away but I was too early to start. While walking to the Academy, I stopped into Walgreen’s and bought a pocket lint brush. My shirt was filthy from the cat wrestling on top of it last night. While brushing my shirt off, I saw a punk sitting in front of the Academy and decided to talk to her. Her name was Kat and was a fashion student in her third year. The conversation was awkward at first, but by the end, we shared a few laughs.

Its not like I want any sort of relationship with ANYONE, I just need a few friends to help cheer my spirits. This city has become the city of heartbreak for me, so I need to find a way to make it a city of friendships. I've been in contact with a few friends from Los Angeles to help me through this. They've all been compassionate and understanding. None of them think badly of Mindy. They know that these things happen. It’s a delicate situation, but to reassure me that I'm not alone in this. They've all had their hearts broken at one time or another.

It's strange, when you're in the midst of hardships, nothing can convince you that other people have been down like you before. You feel so isolated and alone in your pain. You contemplate terrible ideas, thoughts of death and suicide. But they're just thoughts controlled by the immense pain and agony of those brain reconfigurations. It gets better, then bad, then a little better, and then bad again. I just have to remember that I'm a good person. My intentions were always good. I never meant to hurt anyone, that this is life. These are the consequences of choice. It is amazing and beautiful as much as it is sad and ugly.

I hope we can figure this all out. I guess we'll have to. I love her.