Monday, August 23, 2004
the exchange enducing closure-
When two people have been together for long enough, when they have shared their inner most fears and desires, not only do their lives merge as one, but so do their personal possessions. Healthy couples share their most routine articles, from sweatshirts to necklaces to toothbrushes, without ever considering what will happen if their relationship splits apart. Hitherto breaking up, it seems automatic that what's mine is yours, and what's yours is mine. Of course you can have the spare keys to my house, sure you can wear my pajama pants to bed, oh you need a pair of socks? take mine. Without a second thought those little trinkets of the relationship help build the framework for what we call love. However, when a break up does happen, the process of giving those possessions back to their rightful owner becomes an event all in itself full of unwanted emotions like pride, greed, and forgiveness. There's a whole economy built around the instance of returning artifacts of love. It's not like we keep receipts in our journals about who gave what, when and where, in fear of the "just in case" breakup; that would be supercilious. And so, what is this process of giving back, sometimes taking back, called? The process of resetting our love to zero, of exchanging the very building blocks that represent a deeper passion of our love's possessions, symbolizes the foundation of the breakup. Some people even keep these material metaphors as mementos of the lost love. They burry these treasures in their closets, under their beds, in their garage, to later be rediscovered, along with all the buried memories associated with that time of happiness, of a reinforced love. I've done this myself to preserve the memories I fear will disappear by the time I'm too old to be happy.
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written by Gator, posted by sid:
Recently, I was asked to read and edit (which I have yet to do) an article that became a blog for a friend.
The first one was concerning his worst night ever... he got picked up on a DUI.
The blogs that followed, and will continue to do so, are about daily life, current readings, and situations that many of us can relate to. The most recent entry is a very personal one (not that they all aren't personal, but sometimes, when a person writes about love, it can be even more personal.) As of this time, I cannot comment on his comments page, so I will comment here, and eventually transfer it there...
To Ender:
While reading your current entry in this strange, wonderful world of internet journals and digital diaries, I was pondering the scope of relationships and love, and loss of that relationship while retaining the love.
It's amazing how, even in a short amount of time, a plethora of items and feelings can be exchanged. From your favorite hooded sweatshirt to the proclamation of eternal love and telling each other your dark secrets.
I, myself, have lost many sweatshirts, jackets, boxers, and a hat or two, as well as a few fantasies, in the past... be aware, there is an attractive woman wearing a blue Quiksilver snow-boarding parka and a Gatorvision Productions hat that likes spooning that you should steer clear of. She'll ruin you! If you do come across her, see if you can't get my Solomon Ski bag back too!
Sometimes we chalk these things up as a loss and just walk away. I'm sure part of that is because, down in that withered corner of my broken heart, I harbor the belief that some day, some how, some where, she will come back to me. I know she won't... but I still have to believe in something don't I? The remnants are still there. Resonating through my mind. She has my jacket, she'll be back.
Now, given the fact that there are some items that need to be returned... like keys, the OTHER sweatshirt that you wouldn't mind if she kept, and necklaces or rings... there is a process. The Exchange. The twisted ritual that adds a sense of finality to the relationship. Secretly, I think we all like to have that one last chance to make amends with the ex (or at least to have sex one last time), so we collect their belongings, and set up the "EX-change."
While reading Ender's blog, I began thinking... Which we all know can be dangerous. And currently, as I write this one, I am reminded of something that an ex-girlfriend and I jokingly discussed once, while dating. So here it comes;
Perhaps, in this day and age, it may be beneficial for couples, during the monogamy talk, to disclose the articles of a sort of Pre-Nuptial agreement. A Pre-Relationship agreement if you will...
The three main articles would probably be Prosperity, Property, and Termination of the said relationship.
Prosperity could include a Playstation to "Chick Flicks" ratio and the punishment therein-of. It may also include the "doing things with MY friends" and the ever popular, "3 Minute Clause."* Any how, I think you get the idea.
Property is exactly what it sounds like... personal property. Sweatshirts, jewelry, hats, pj bottoms, pj tops, DVDs, lighters, etc. You name it... you can put it here and state that, "Under NO circumstances is my San Jose Sharks Sweater available to keep. They will always retain ownership of ME. And must be returned upon request within 23 hours of said request." Exactly like a Grammy. Where, even though it was given to you and may even have your name on it, it is still owned by the Grammy people. Granted, you may "allow" someone to retain possession of said object, long after the relationship is dead and buried, but should you ever want it back, all you have to do is ask... and wha-lahhhh... 23 hours later, it's yours again. Of course, you may wish to change the duration of the time allotted, in case a spiteful ex might take their anger out on your San Jose Sharks sweater, further jinxing the team... or perhaps include a clause about "returning items in proper condition" or something, but we're off the subject now... as for the third item in the Pre-Re agreement, Termination.
This is where I was reminded of a conversation with an ex. We were talking and she said, "You'd better let me know if you intend to break up with me..." and I said, "What? You want like a 2 week notice?" She replied, "Yeah, so I can get my alibi in order!" We laughed and continued the joke for a few more weeks... until the end. You can also include items in this part about Reasons for termination, and maybe a "No Fault" article... your pick... write it however you want. I would opt for a neutral location for the Ex-change or maybe a Go-Between, and my Sharks sweater is now officially in the OUT OF BOUNDS list, but that's up to you. But remember, these are just guidelines... and a humorous way to deal with our pain and misery. When all is said and done, you'll have your copy of the contract, and the tear-filled memories of what once was.
appy Relationships... good luck out there
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