sacinmac: are you at your house or your girlfriends?
Mach Siddhartha: we broke up
sacinmac: oh Sorry to hear
sacinmac: well you keep me informed on how you are and keep out of trouble You have to much to live for for any more screw ups Things will work out and eventually you will look back and see how crazy your younger days were when you get older
Mach Siddhartha: they aren't crazy. it is a life worth lived
sacinmac: I will try to help you all I can but please be careful It takes a short time to get into trouble and a long time for it to go away Life is to short to get in and out of trouble
sacinmac: do you have a way to get food like dinner
Mach Siddhartha: life is too short not to live it to the fullest, a thousand times too short to be bored, and when I do get a chance to turn around and critique my life, I will smile and nod and be full of pride
Mach Siddhartha: yes
Mach Siddhartha: i can get dinner
sacinmac: I love you Just remember that when you hurt I hurt too Thats love I love you and worry about you a lot I love it when you are healthy and happy not in trouble
sacinmac: I love the fact that you are a survivor but you have too much to offer the world to mess your life up and you are too smart to make foolish choices
sacinmac: I trust most all of your choices and I know youare a very wise man
sacinmac: but you will alwways be my baby
Mach Siddhartha: My life is not in a mess, nor tangled, nor confused, nor painful. I am ecstatic to be alive, to make the decisions I've made, to be figuring out who I am, my past, my future. You shouldn't hurt, because I do not.
sacinmac: Everyone always said to me when you were little that you would be my challenging child in life and they were right You have a strong will and I love that in you It just scares me every once in a while now that you are older because I love you so much and always want the best for you Sometimes I have to remind myself that this is your life not mine and the decisions you make are yours not mine and that you have to live with them I just hope the good things that were taught to you when you were young sticked with you to help make the right choices so you take the right path in life
sacinmac: Im a jewish mom What do you expect
Mach Siddhartha: right and wrong are subjective constructs, and I understand your concern. I love you too. And I don't just mean that as a superficial "you're my mom, therefore I have to love you". No, what I really mean by that, is that I love everything you've taught me, every principle I hold dear to myself. That which has come from you and my upbringing has always been inside me. So if I want to love myself, which I do, I have to love that which constructed everything I've ever been. I love the pain, the tears, the anger, the happiness, the joy, the giving, the taking, everything that has made me who I am. I am confined by that love, trapped within it, engulfed in it's omnipotence. It is the warmth of your thoughts, the memories of your touch, the brilliance of your motherhood. True, I don't always have the energy to share this side with you because I spend so much of my time thinking how to formulate these thoughts into words, but they are there, always.
Mach Siddhartha: I'm not sure why you decided to have children, more importantly, why you wanted to have me, but beyond that uncertainty, I can only dream to be the parent to a child that will appreciate me as I do you. That is something you've taught me, to let me be me, and to always give that which can not be said, or even given completely, that which only a son or daughter can complete in full cirtcle.
sacinmac: i not only wanted to have you but ever since the day you were born Ive never loved a child so much and enjoyed the years watching you grow and cried so hard when you were off to college so far away Its so hard to let a child grow up even though I know you are Youve always been my baby and you always will be and as much as I love your brothers for some reason there has always been a stronger love for you I feel your pain stronger than I do with them when you are down or hurting and I cant explain why other than its that way I worry about you the most and want to help you the most and I cant explain why that is either but thats how it is
Mach Siddhartha: and that's how it will be. As for now, I am going to go get food.
sacinmac: its kinda like the song pooh corner where the adult goes back to visit pooh corner You will always be my christopher robin
sacinmac: Go eat . I love you Talk to you later Be careful
Mach Siddhartha: k
Mach Siddhartha: bye
sacinmac has gone offline.
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