I am Chris' mean side

From what I can gather, my mean side comes out to play when I feel frightened from the idea of permanent. Maybe this has to do with my need for not wanting to become comfortable in my life? Maybe it is the result of reading too many books about conflict and struggle? The friends I keep around me are chess pieces I manipulate for the better of myself. Chess has always been the main metaphor I consider when confiding in my most inner warriors. Wow. Chess? Shouldn't I be playing paintball with my partners? Shouldn't I be fighting wars, face to face with the enemy? Shouldn't I have at least picked a more pro-active game to exemplify the agons I create? Hitherto college, my life had been quite comfortable. It's no wonder I enjoy suffering as much as I do these days. My current pain must be retaliatory towards my past, a past in which I sat around playing video games, eating junk food, and reading. Currently, if I'm not sad, I'm not happy. What's with that? However, sadness in not necessarily a product of loosing. In fact, my problem is that I always win. I've not met a worthy opponent in this intellectual game we all call life. That's not to say that I haven't sweated a few beads of worry from time to time, but in all honesty, I can not say that I've met a challenger who can put me in my place, mentally that is. On the other hand, maybe I've been cheating this whole time at my own game! If it is I who makes the rules of my cerebral lands, then maybe it's not that I haven't found a extreme enough challenge, but maybe I've scared all my confused partners away.